


The Wisdom of Fools

by Pennytextrix



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-11 21:24:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3333401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pennytextrix/pseuds/Pennytextrix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A companion piece to ADFMS. Because, as much as I love every A/R scene in it, it occurs to me that sex doesn't make a happy ending, and considering the dark and twisty places both characters were in, I can't see their love making being nearly as vanilla as RDM might like us to believe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Run

Before today, Bill could never of imagined himself concerned that Laura looked _too_ healthy. Secretly he had prayed for this day. This day when she would smile the rarest of her smiles, again. She had many smiles. Of cordiality, of hope,  of censure, of grim determination. He used to pray for the one that reached her eyes. The one that spoke of joy, love, contentment. Peace above all else. He had only seen it once. Felt it all too briefly, as she lay with her head on his chest as the New Caprican dawn broke on its two newest lovers.

_Worst thing I ever did, was letting her go._

She hadn’t wanted to let it go. He had made her. The half remembered conversation drifted, fleetingly through his cabin. Replayed itself on his couch, before his very eyes. She had kept that promise at least. _I’ll be back on Galactica in a few days and if you like, we can talk some more about that night..._ So much had happened. So much time apart. He had imagined the heartache he felt at leaving her there do die, had been his alone, borne of grief and guilt and only sometimes when the darkness of his thoughts allowed it- the briefest flash of sorrow for his lost love. He had fought it. He had made himself believe that it had been only as it appeared to be: a drunken, stoned frak in the sand. And yet, as they all knew by now, things were rarely as they appeared to be.

She had sat there and told him he could believe what he liked. But they both knew the truth.

“We can fight it. If that’s what you want. We can say we have responsibilities, and no time. We can say it was a mistake. But it won’t make it easier. And it won’t change how we feel.” He remembers the short sharp sentences. He remembers her laying it all out then like a politician. He remembers it being too much like strategy and tactics. He remembers not liking it at all. He couldn’t break that. It was all far too real. Far too whole and part of their everyday lives that way.  So he had tried to find _Her_ in all this. He had taken her hand in his and asked:

“and what do you feel Laura.”

“I feel. For the first time, in a really long while, I feel like I’m living.” 

He remembers her giggling through unshed tears. And still, even though time has mended the rift between them. He still hates what he did. He had nodded firmly. Stroked her hair. Her face , her lips. The ghost of intention on his fingertips. “Me too.”  And she had shut her eyes. Leaned into that touch. He had kissed her forehead. Lingering longer than he ought to, before standing up. Putting distance between them. He had straightened his uniform. Stood tall. Marking the boundaries, erecting the walls of professionalism before her very eyes.

“And that’s why, I can’t do this. It’s a luxury we can’t afford to get lost in.” He could see her now frozen in her seat. So still, before standing, straightening her jacket as if it was the end of a long drawn out meeting. In a sense he supposed it was.

He remembers her as the hard cold image of himself. Professional. All Madam President and no Laura in sight. The cold green ice of her gaze, fury blazing underneath. She had held out her hand. He had taken it. Tried hard not to squeeze it too tightly. Forced himself to let her go.

“Well thank you Admiral. It’s good to know where you stand on this. I’ll see myself out.”

_She has still not entirely forgiven me for that. Nor should she_ , he thinks. he had made her feel alive, and then he had broken her. For the selfish reason that he knew it would be easier to be around her that way. It had worked. After that there had only been the President. Only occasionally in her weakest of moments did Laura slip back into view. Baltar’s trial. The cancer. Even then she barely let him in. He couldn’t blame her. He had broken her heart that day.  Just like she was breaking his now. Their love was cruel. Deliberate. They hurt each other with it.

It was only when she was gone – kidnapped. Stolen away from him on some unknown Cylon Basestar, did he realise that  she had been right all along. He loved all of her, even the parts that were difficult to see.  Pretending he didn’t love her, only parts of her, didn’t make her loss hurt any less. He had thought her words foolish and naive, and perhaps they were – but then, there is often great wisdom, in the words of the fool. Something had changed for her too. Alone in the dark, in the cold deep recesses of that ship she had found herself again. She told him she had seen something, something she didn’t like - in the vision of her own demise. She wouldn’t tell him what. Only that she refused to go out that way. Only that she thought it was way past time she said the words she knew he would never say first:

“I love You.” Again wrapped in his arms, this time not joy in her smile but fear of the emptiness of all she had borne witness to, etched on her face.

“’bout time”  For the life of him he didn’t know why it had come out that way. Yes it was about time. About time they admitted it to themselves. Admitted it to others. Admitted that it was time to live. He had explained it afterwards. And it had been like they were back on his couch discussing that night on New Caprica. – laughter through tears. Incredulity that he was not pushing her away this time.

No, this time that had been her role. Her orders to him: 

The determination with which she had told him to lay down arms and in the same breath told him to destroy the bastestar, All he had heard was _destroy me. If it comes to that._ The same eerie stillness with which she had whispered a single word on that Fraking planet. “Earth” all he had heard was _so this is our destruction._ Then “get me out of here” He had only heard her breaking again. And then:

_Don’t. Don’t touch me_

_Go. Just go._

_Trust me. I just need a little time. Go._

And it was complete.  She had already left him. In leaving he had almost let her.

As he sat there dozing in his chair, his last thoughts were: _This time I’ll find a way. This time I’m not letting you go. Not any part of you._

Yes, sometimes there was wisdom in the words of the fool. But sometimes, he knew, they were just as stupid as they sounded.

It was the comm. unit that woke him. He moved over to it. Half giddy with sleep and a plan.

“Adama”

“umm.. Bill you may wanna poke your head outside of your cabin..”

“What’s going on Jack.”

“We’ll see I don’t really know how to say this, see its a bit odd. Damned odd to say the least, not to mention unethical”

“Fast and straight I’d advise.” A sigh and what sounded like the click of a lighter and the deep inhalation of cigarette smoke on the other end of the line.

“She missed her treatment. Again. Now I’ve just been told she’s running round the ship.”

“Running?”  

“Yeah Running. You know one foot in front of the other in quick succession you should try it sometime. The President on the other hand....”

“will it hurt her chances.?”

“The running? No not at all. Wish I could get all my patients to run like she is. But the break in her treatment will.  She should be here laying on her back in sickbay. This elation she’s feeling isn’t going to last. Its just her body coming off the treatment, and after that, well its a long ride downhill pretty fast.”

He nodded.

“ Don’t worry. I’ll see to it.”

“Bill.” Another long intake of breath. The crackling of a burning cigarette.

“Yeah”

“Don’t push her. I’ve tried that. She’ll only push back.”

“Yeah. I know”

He put the handset back in the cradle.

“Mother frak...son of a..”

He looked himself over in the mirror. Brushed his teeth . pulled on his uniform. All the while thinking; _Ok, Laura. This is gonna stop. I’m coming to find you_. He had to make her want to live. He just didn’t know how, or what to say. Part of him understood her rationale all too well. Every one has their limits. These was hers. She was drawing her line in the sand, making an end for herself. An end to the pain, to turmoil to stress and heartache. And  after Earth,  after cancer, and presidency and false prophecy, after all of this. He didn’t know what he could possibly say. What he could possibly do to make her rethink where  and when that line should be drawn.

He left to do it anyway. He would bluff his way through it if he had too.


	2. Bait and Hide

She hated to run. Truth be told she always had. As a girl she had avoided Gym class like the plague. As a teacher, she had always held secret sympathy for the child in her class who every week tried to avoid it. As secretary of education it had been her job to uphold healthy living and anti- obesity initiatives of the government. Inwardly, she had thought them a waste of time. She understood the necessity of course. _We must always be seen to be addressing the issues at hand. We must never shy away from difficult and unpopular courses of action._ Richard had tried to tell her as much, she hadn’t wanted to listen then. She sure as hell didn’t want to think about it now. She shook her head as though by sheer force of will she could drive the idea of fighting back, far into the recesses of her brain. Lock it away in the oubliette of her memory and stop remembering what she had once been.

She had never understood it before. Why spend hours running, sweating and exhausted to the point where you could barely catch your breath, when you could have used the time to curl up with a good book? Now she understood. People ran because it hurt. It made them tired. It became harder and harder to endure. It was good training for life. And if you did it for long enough you started not to think about where you were headed next. 

She still hated it. Still couldn’t figure out why exactly she had spent two days in sweatpants. Aerobics and Running? All she could think of was that it had seemed like it was something she should do. It was right. A poetic if hardly original use for the energy she felt coursing through her and making her twitchy. Of course, she was conscious of the fact that she was using it to run away. From earth, from her failure as a leader, her failure as a prophet, from Bill. She wanted to run from him most of all. She couldn’t face him. Yesterday, she could barely look at him. She couldn’t stand his kindness or his anger. Couldn’t stand the fact that he tried to understand, to be supportive. Hated that he had given her the time she had asked for, when she wanted him to shake her. Make her want to act like the President again. Make her believe she was wrong about all of this. The irony was not  lost on her that she was trying to run from him in a circuit. On his ship. Really there was nowhere for her to go. Nowhere for her to run that wasn’t part of him. As she ploughed into the Admirals chest it occurred to her that she had wanted him to see her all along. 

“It’s a big ship.” She said as she leaded her hands into his chest and caught her breath.

She realised she had been bating him all this time. She had known that Jack would go to him when she didn’t turn up for treatment. She had known that reports of the President running around his ship in sweatpants and a headscarf would get back to him sooner or later. And she knew exactly what to say when he confronted her about it all. After all, Their love was a cruel one. She knew exactly how to break his heart. 

She hated herself for being this weak, Hated that she could not do it herself. Could not make herself bring back the President at the cost of herself. He could, She wanted to hurt him. Make him angry enough that he would hurt her. Hurt her enough to crush Laura and bring back the President. He was the only one with the power over her to do it. No, she didn’t want to die. But she couldn’t live like this either. Half a person at a time. There was a choice to be made. Laura or the President. Since the hub, since seeing Elosha again, she had tried to be both. Now she realised that was impossible. A lie. Just like everything else she had ever said. She didn’t want to loose herself again.

“Did you run the whole route?”

“Huh.” She shook her head, staring up at him. With a look that almost begged him for acceptance.” It’s more that I’ve run in a long time.” _I don’t run from things. Its not what I do._ _And running around in circles isn’t working for me. So help me. Stop me, before I complete the route._

He just stands there. Unmoving. _He’s not going to let me pass_. And while that’s exactly what she wants. Someone to stop her. She fears it too. She knows she will not get away with it that easily.

“You’re flushed. You look good.” A comment so similar. The tone identical to the one that landed them in this mess back on New Caprica. _That’s a good colour on you._

“Oh ..thank you.”  She can say nothing else really.

“You’re not supposed to look good. You’re supposed to be in sickbay with a tube in your arm.

“ I changed my mind.” And there it is. The thing that she believes she can break him with. If only she can make him believe that she doesn’t want to survive for  him. If she can tell him that she doesn’t love him enough to live.

Then she sees him. Really looks at him, and she realises she’s got this all wrong. He’s seen through it all. And in that moment she knows she has to rethink this whole situation because he’s already decided. Something has changed between them since her return from New Caprica. She hadn’t realised before now.  Somehow even with all the denials their love is stronger than that now. This time he can’t. This time he isn’t going to let Laura go. But he won’t let the President leave either. He  has come to love them both. She sees it in his eyes this is not the cruel angry love she knows staring back at her. It is everything. It is whole. And there is nothing to be done but accept that. Accept that he needs her. All of her. President and Laura. Whole. Blended beautifully in one body.

She doesn’t know if she can be what he needs her to be.

“Like hell, you never intended to go.” She smiles. It is not one Bill wants to see. It is not the joy of Laura or the determination of the President. It is all chagrin and tiredness.

“Caught. Send me to the bring. I can run there”  And she has been caught. So suddenly by him that she wants nothing more than to keep running. To not have to make a decision. She knows he will not let her go now. Not ever. _Don’t make me do this Bill, Just let me be me. Just for a while longer._ He only bows his head in understanding. He had been expecting this.

“Cottle says that you’re experiencing a moment of euphoria as your body recovers from the toxicity of the treatments.” She tries to look angry. It does not quite reach her eyes.

“So much for doctor patient confidentiality.” She does not tell him that she wanted him to know. Had known that he would find out. It is pointless since he knows it already.

“Well the Presidents health is a security issue.” 

“Then my resignation will be on your desk within the hour.”

He grabs for her. Her arm twisting away from his grasp he knows he must be hurting her. But he can’t let go. His voice, barely there:

“Laura, wait a minute. I’m not gonna hand the presidency over to Tom Zarek.”

_Please don’t push me Bill, I can’t be who you want me to be. Not now. Please just let me have this a little longer._ Her inner voice is childlike. Bill imagines he can feel it. Hear it in his head desperately pleading with him to leave her alone. He can’t. He needs her whole.

“Then the Status Quo will have to do.” He tightens his grasp on her. He hates that he is hurting her like this, the pain in her eyes almost breaks his will. But he has to make her see how much he needs her. How much they all need her. It is not enough for her to just be Laura. They need all of her.

“Stop it.” He says outwardly chastising the child throwing a tantrum in Laura’s head. “Listen, we need you. Zarek’s got the quorum in an uproar. The press is going crazy. The government is spinning out of control. Now, we need you.” _I need you._

“Take your hands off me Bill. I’ve played my role in this farce. A dying leader will guide the people to  the  Blah blah blah..fraking..blah blah! I’ve been there I’ve done that. Now what? Is there another role I have to play? For the rest of my life?” 

Her eyes are pleading with his. to see her. to really see her. and let her be. Because she has suffered. And it would be enough for anyone to bear. But she is not just anyone. He hates that both sides of this argument are true. Are valid. Most of all he sees the pain, the truth of it all, on her face and he hates that he can’t take it all away. there is nothing he can say to make this better for her. so he simply looks down at her hand as she brushes it against his chest Making sure he knows that to her, this is all about them. She thinks he might understand it in those terms.

“ Do you remember what we said  on New Caprica? How we talked about trying to live for today. Well you better think about that because, maybe tomorrow isn’t really coming. Maybe today is all we have left. And maybe just maybe I’ve earned the right to live a little before I die. Haven’t I? What do you think? Haven’t I?”

“I have? Well guess what? So have you.” The kiss surprises him. She meant it to. He will let her run for now. He cannot tell her no. It would be a lie and he wants so very much to lay down his own burdens and drown in her. Even if such peace cannot last. Even if it is only for a few hours. He wants to see that smile again.  He can fix her. he can make sure she will come back to them whole. She just needs a little more time. He can give her that. He can spend it with her. He thinks it might be enough to bring them all safely home.

 


	3. An Act of Contrition

She did not remember exactly, when he had come to bed. All she remembered was the brief depression of the bunk as he climbed over her, settled and pulled her half asleep form against his bare chest. He was already half hard against the top of her thigh. She groaned, deliberately grinding herself into it.

“Shh. Go back to sleep.”

“No. I’m not tired anymore.” She replied slipping her hand between them as if to prove her point. She stroked his cock firmly. Eliciting a growl from the man behind her, His hands went to her breasts. The gentle pressure there, the twist and flick of her nipples, as he bit into the back of her shoulder, before laving the mark he had left there. Soothing it with hot breath and tongue. And again. Sharper this time. “Oh. Gods Bill..Don’t you ever knock?” her grip tightened around him.

“After your little display in the hallway this afternoon. I didn’t think I needed to.”  Both her hands were on him now, groping at him blindly, her hands behind her back. She cupped his balls with one hand, while she brushed the fingers of the other across his already weeping head.

“Frak, Laura..” He hissed. Grabbed at her hands, pulled her more tightly to him. Effectively trapping her there. “Do you think you maybe wanna slow down a bit?” She twisted out of his arms. Climbed over him, straddling the top of his thighs. Her hands supporting herself on his chest. Her fingers playing in the hair she found there. “What?” she giggled. “You mean like a date? Dinner and candles and all that?” She had meant it as a joke. When she stared at his face she could tell she had upset him. She brushed the hair from his face, before taking his face in her hands and kissing him hard, the force of it was brief and startling. “I’m sorry Bill, I’m dying. We don’t have time.”

He sat up. Got out of bed with a swiftness that almost knocked her to the floor. For a second she thought he was going to leave. In the darkness he lit the candles, each one casting a soft glow in a different direction over her naked form. She was breathtaking. He lit the last candle. Needing the time it took before he could look at her again. “No You’re not. Not today. And we’re having candles. Some romance. I want to see you. I haven’t seen you in so long.”

Laura propped herself up on her arm and looked him in the eye. “Three weeks ago. You undressed me and helped me into your shower butt naked after I  missed the head and threw up over my suit.”

“That was different.”

“You’re damned right it was different.” She acquiesced. “Thank you. You’re very sweet. Now come back to bed.”  She said holding out a hand to him. 

“ ‘Kay.. but you need to calm down..” he said as he knelt between her legs and spread her thighs, brushing at the delicate skin there. “enjoy this.” He let his thumb brush the length of her entrance, pressing down a little harder once he reached her clit. Driving his point home. She arched her back, her pelvis grinding into his hand. Seeking. Ever seeking more. Trying to feel alive just for a little longer. A thick digit slipped inside her. She felt like she was on fire, as if every nerve made dormant through the poison of diloxin, was springing back into life. Raw and angry livewires sparking carelessly, feeding impossible sensations back to her brain. She bucked into him again, arching off the bed.

“Oh..Gods..Gods.. I’m trying. More Bill, give me more..Yes! oh.”  She looked down at him between her legs, bare, she saw herself lips spread wide, could see him painting pretty pictures on her clit with his tongue. Could feel him as he added another finger. Could feel them pumping inside of her. Her hands were wild. Alternately she groped for his head, the sheet beneath her, her own breasts. Trying to hold on when nothing could keep her here. Screaming incoherently as she came apart underneath him.

Bill replaced his mouth with his hand intending on extending her orgasm and bringing her down gently. He looked up at her. He wanted always to remember her like this. Her breath coming in hard pants, her body glowing with sweat and candle light. So very much alive. He had  been so caught in his reverie he hadn’t realised that she had caught him looking. The involuntary jerks against his hand turned to something more deliberate. Laura crooked a finger at him, and in a breathy whisper said “come here”

She pulled him to her, her kisses violent again, whimpering as she tasted herself on him, biting into his lip before releasing him to sit between her legs again. Laura raised herself up on her elbows. She was staring him down. Daring him as she continued to rock herself against his hand.

“Do it again Bill.” He couldn’t help but grin at her as he dipped his head. “No. With your hands. I want you to watch me. Watch me as you make me come.” She had that look again, a look of determination, and he knew she was trying to give him something here. Something more than her pleasure or his own. This was the reassurance he sought. This was her promise that she was coming back to him. Coming back to them. Her promise that she was still very much alive. Every part of her. She never looked away from him. Her hands trailed lazily up her sides, came to draw circles on her breasts, before squeezing at her nipples. His hand continued. Slow and firm.

“More. Harder.” She demanded. The heavy wet rhythm of it filled the room. He couldn’t stop looking at her. Felt himself growing painfully hard at the sight of it. He heard her gasped intake of breath as he took his cock in his hand. Stroking firmly from root to tip. He had to be in her soon. She was so ready for him, he could see it, taste it, smell it. It wouldn’t take much to send her over the edge. He adjusted his angle of his fingers inside her, grinding the palm of his hand into her clit as he leant over her to bite on her ear. A place remembered from so long ago, a place she loved to be touched.  Between nips he whispered “I’m going to frak you so hard Laura.” 

Her release, another keening cry as he removed his fingers and pushed inside of her. She took all of him. Her glorious legs wrapping around his hips. Her arms clutching his head to her neck. He sucked at her there, as he drove himself into her harder and faster with each thrust. He felt her contacting around him, her whole body shuddering against him, as he emptied himself.

He rolled them over so that she lay on top of him. The last thing he wanted to do was crush her. They lay like that. In silence for the longest time. He could not stop touching her. his hands roaming over every inch of her beautiful back. He drifted cocooned in her warmth, their love. It did not seem so cruel to him, right now. She turned her head to him, reached up and placed the briefest of kisses on the tip of his nose. Bill twitched in his sleep, brought a hand up to rub his nose and opened his eyes to see what had disturbed him. His eyes met with Laura’s

“Hi” she smiled. The one he hadn’t thought to see again. 

“Hi” he replied. Turning her round and pulling her back into his chest. She relaxed against him. She giggled, turning to the laughter of relief, of contentment long sought and hard won.

“That was...That was..”

“Yeah..it was.” He joined in her laughter. He kissed her neck. Her shoulder, examined it for the bruises he was sure he must have left. Contented when he could find none.

****

For the second time that day, it was the Comm. unit that woke him. Laura stirred against him, a sigh escaping her lips as he reached over her to pick it up.

“Adama”

“We got it back.” Bill said scratching his head trying to find his way back to reality. Lauras hand snaked around his. Wrenched the phone from his grasp. Determined to keep her fantasy just a little while longer.

“That’s good. Take it from here Saul. See you in the morning.”

She snapped the handset down in its cradle, and tried to slip back into her previous position against him. She knocked back the thought that she might not ever find it again. For his part Bill was trying to hold on to all of this for just a while longer himself. He performed the earlier actions of kissing her neck. Her shoulder. _Stay with me._  He silently pleaded with her. _Make yourself care._

“They found the Tyllium ship.”

“Umhm” He kissed her again in the same place. Willing her to believe that they could have both.

“Do you care?”

“m-m” she replies in a way that he can’t take as anything but negative. It may be wishful thinking but he imagines that he heard the briefest of hesitations in his voice. She will not open her eyes and face the day. He will not make her. Not yet. Because he loves her like this. Happy,  if not quite yet whole. He loves her contented, blissed out laughter. And there’s that smile again. The one that he never thought to see again. He has seen it twice in one day. He feels like it is a gift. It’s one he won’t argue about accepting. He doesn’t want to have this conversation now. Because if truth be told, in this moment he can’t quite bring himself to care either.

“Neither do I.” 

Laura relaxes against him. Sleep releasing all the remaining tension in her body. One of her long glorious legs twitches against him, in memory of the last steps of this, their one last dance.

A storm is brewing in the fleet. Bill can feel it. This time he isn’t sure The President will be here to save them. He doesn’t think he can do it alone. He would tell her as much but he doesn’t think she can carry that kind of weight right now. All he can give her is time. He worries that it is time they do not have.

***

He wakes to the sound of her crying. The sounds of hysteria setting in. They are loud heartbreaking gut wrenching sobs. Her spot in the bed is cold underneath him. He turns on the lamp on the bedside table. Through tired eyes he can barely make out her form. She sits naked on the mat, Her legs drawn up tightly against her chest, rocking back and forth as if in prayer. Maybe she is. Maybe she is hoping that the Gods still hear her. It only sounds like begging. Begging for a forgiveness she already has. One she never needed to ask for. This is not her fault.  He goes to her slowly and carefully he doesn’t want to startle her. He had been expecting this. Had known the come down from her euphoric high would hit her hard. But he never imagined it would be like this. What he sees, brings him up short.

In her hands are the charred remains of Pythia. Her arms her, legs, her face are coated in the ashes of it. He was wrong. This is her act of contrition. Not him. Not their love.

Minutes go by. He doesn’t know what to do. Suddenly she stops looks up at him, Tears still meandering down her cheeks, making rivers on her ash smeared face. It reminds him of Earth. Of New Caprica. Of Kobal. Of numerous lost hopes. 

“I can’t find her Bill. I’ve tried. She’s not here.”

He doesn’t know whether she’s talking about Pythia, or about herself. The part she needs to be the President again. It doesn’t matter. Somehow he knows it amounts to the same thing. He goes to the head. Brings back a warm cloth and a towel. He can feel her eyes following him around the room. He kneels down next to her. Takes the charred book from her hands and places it on the chest of draws behind them. He didn’t expect her to let it go. Didn’t expect her to let him take it away so easily. Her empty hands reach for him as he wipes the ashes from her body. He wishes he could take it all away so easily. To think that he could had been his greatest mistake here. To Think. To Hope. To believe in the wisdom of fools.

 


End file.
